As of lately, I’ve been wondering if I have chosen the right path by becoming a nurse. I’ve had many tearful and heartbroken mornings when I feel completely wiped out and broken down by the situations I’ve seen or the absolutely ruthlessness of the hospital setting. To further my uncertainty, many people who I’ve gone to school with my whole life are now pursuing bigger things in life, such as PhD’s and family life. I’m guilty to say that my first thought was, “And I’m just a nurse. What good is that?”
And after this thought I became upset with myself. I remembered all of the sleepless nights and tears that I cried in nursing school. I remember laying in bed at night and hoping that I could make a difference to people. I remember sitting at a patient’s bedside as a student nurse, holding a patient’s hand because he was scared. And it dawned on me how important my career is.
Nursing is hard as hell. As a nurse, you are expected to juggle as many patients as you can, sometimes without safety even being a factor. I work on a medical floor, where this is especially true. The majority of my patients are chronically ill and are well acquainted with the hospital setting. As a nurse, providing quality care to these patients is a complex and challenging task. On my floor, a nurse can have up to six patients. On a good night, the call light rings for pain medications and sleep aids until around 2300, when the patients all groggily drift to sleep. On a bad nights, nurses get their asses handed to them. When coming on to shift, three different call lights are alarming for patients in agonizing pain or wanting another cranberry juice, the house office administrator is calling to tell you to send one of your nursing assistants home, and you see your assignment only to realize you have three incontinent patients who are confused from hepatic encephalopathy. While elbow deep in poop trying to help your tech get a patient clean, another unit is trying to call report on your next patient, who is a 22 year old male with cerebral palsy with no IV access because he’s an awful stick. Oh, and don’t forget about the bolus they just put in for him to have STAT. The other nurse forgets to tell you that he is completely pitiful, with family members who clearly do not care for this boy who has his limbs so severely contracted that he resembles a pretzel. In between trying to start an IV and draw blood cultures, you find five minutes to sneak to the bathroom and cry because of how shocked you are by this patient’s condition. And the shift isn’t even half way over.
Reflecting on nights like this makes me outraged that I have thoughts like “I’m just a nurse”. My career choice is an extremely an important one. It is not glamorous by any means, but it is necessary. It not only gives back to others, but I grow as a person for each life that I interact with. Is each night easy? No, of course not. But if it was easy, everyone would do it. I sleep knowing that I give 110% to my patients each night, whether that is enough or not. Some nights I’m cranky and tired, and begrudgingly do my work. Other nights, which are rare, I come into work with a sense of duty and privilege that drives me to provide top of the line care for patients. I’m working on how to channel this attitude more frequently, but it is a work in progress. Ultimately, I hope to be one of those nurses people look at and say, “Damn, she’s a strong nurse. I’d let her take care of me”. I have a long way to go, but at least I’ve got the idea in mind.
newnursenews 